Now What did I Do Wrong?

This is like the good old days when we were first living together!
He would cause a row on the Saturday night so he could feel sorry for himself and then piss off to pub Sunday all day.
I should have seen this coming really. Maybe I did if I will be honest.

We both went to the pub at lunchtime, he asked me if I fancied a couple of pints, and I said are you sure you want me there? This was because in the row he caused on the Saturday, he said he never gets time to chill out away from me.

But he assures me that since he has asked me then I am welcome to go with him.

We walked to the pub and I chatted most of the way there til I realised I was only getting one word answers, and then I kept quiet.
We get to the pub, and meet one of his alcoholic mates,who we sit and chat to in the beer garden.
I was getting the distinct feeling of not being wanted so I went back inside the pub with my drink and I read my book. Marcus then comes in and sits with me, but hardly says a word. Again I get the feeling I am not wanted. So I tell him I am going for a wander round town.

I am gone about an hour and a half, when I got back to him he had moved across the road to the bowls club. I had more people to chat to here and was quite relaxed til I noticed his lordship was pissed!
I booked a taxi for 45 minutes time for 4.30pm and asked him if he was coming with me. Well the taxi arrived and he refused to come home, I just said please yourself, I will see you later. The only thing is I didn't know just how late that later was to be.
1.30 am he gets home and does his usual thing of being too pissed to let himself in with the number keypad we have on our door. So he starts to shout and swear abusive things so I go down and let him in.
He could hardly stand up, he carries on being abusive and I just get into bed.
He is saying wicked things, and spoiling for a fight, but I can cope with it when he says he dont love me, who the fuck would?, I can cope with being told I am fat and ugly, but when he tells me that I am that fat he can only fuck me from behind, enough was enough and I smacked him in the mouth!
He threatened to call the police on me because this isnt the first time I have cracked him one. I had promised myself and him I would never do it again, but I cant help it, he is so hurtful and spiteful.

He then gets menacing and smacks me in the eye to see how I like it and spits in my face. He then yells his usual verbal diarrhoea at me about how he pays more into the house than I do so when we split he should get more out.

The thing he forgets is when he first moved in with us he never gave us a penny, I kept him for 8 months, now he has just over 9k in his bank account, when he moved in he only had £300.
Yes I know he works hard, and I only work part time, but I still have a home to run, and 3 kids (including him) to look after.

I am sitting here trying to work out why I love someone who does this to me, and I think if I am honest I dont love him at all. I just like the financial security, and all the nice things he does to our home and garden. But I really dont think I can put myself through this bullshit again, he made me so ill last time and I am not going to allow him to do it again.

I know I shouldn't have smacked him in the mouth, and I don't know why I cant control that. He turns me into something I am not! I am sitting in in floods of tears not knowing, who I am, where I belong, or what the fuck I am going to do!

I cant believe I am contemplating taking all my sleeping tablets, I feel so worthless. Maybe they will all be better off without me. I have let my boys down by bringing this man into their lives, they dont deserve half the shit he throws at them, he makes their young lives a misery.

Maybe he will decide to leave, cos I sure aint gonna make things easy for him from now on!