Tuesday, 30 September 2008

An unsettled feeling in my bones.

What is it I wonder? Work is going very well. I have been missed!

Jamie is struggling with his college course because it is a lot more theory work than getting down to the nitty gritty practical side of things, so he is BORED!

Bloody hell give it a chance to get started!

Bleeding kids these days! I hope he don't fuck up his future just on some crazy whim!
Then again I suppose I did when I married his dad, bollocks!

You want so much for your kids and I guess I have been waiting for it to all slot into place, but infact it's quite scary out there for them.

I guess it will all come out in the wash as my momma tells me.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Where does the time go?

I can not believe I have been that busy I have not had time to read my favorite blogs or update my own.
I am now in to week 3 back at work and have steadily increased my hours from about 11 up to 24. Yeah I know thats pathetic, but I only worked 20 before I became ill!

I am really enjoying work, and I am so glad I made the decision to quit the Medical Assesment Unit and just do adhoc (bank) work.

I have been all over the hospital, from the cancer ward (very sad), to the obs & gynae out patient clinic, breast clinic and fracture clinic.
It is so interesting and I never get chance to get bored.
I am also in to week 3 of my indian head massage course, which is a bit harder than I anticipated but I like a challenge!

Him indoors has mellowed right out again, I did some reverse physcology on him and it worked a treat. Shame really as I had already spent the 8 grand settlement money lol!

Isnt it strange what a difference a week can make? Mind you I was a bit of an emotional wreck on wednesday which was my day off. I had gone over to see my mum, and we were sitting at the kitchen table chatting, and I was telling her about a really strange experience I had at my Grandad's on Monday, I was in his lounge and we were standing chatting as I was about to leave after a game of poker and Liam (my youngest) was tapping me on my shoulder, I ignored his first tap as it didnt have an urgent feel to it, I carried on talking with my back to him, when he did it a second time, I swung round to tell him to stop being rude and there was no-one there!
I could then hear Liam in his Aunt's room next door and they were heartily chatting about a book.

Grandad went outside to get me the hedge trimmers and Liam went and got in the car, I then burst into tears and asked Mad Auntie for a hug (unheard of!) and told her what had happened.
It will be 10 years on the 9th of December that my Nan died in that house and I have longed to have some sign that she was there still, and I know deep within that it was her! Mad Auntie is her daughter and unmarried and mostly unloved, all she had was my Nan, so why on earth I felt this overwhelming urge to hug her I will never be able to explain!

I know it all sounds a bit far fetched, and if I hadn't experienced it I would possibly have doubts, Liam promised that it wasn't him and to be honest he could'nt have got away that quick with the door pushed to anyway. I would like to think she is still with us, and I know she will never leave me because most importantly she is in my heart.

My Mum was really good about it all and let me have a really good cry, I still miss my Nan so much and anyone that says it gets better with time obviously didn't feel as strongly as I do. It is still as painful not having her here as it was in the begining.

Listen at me rambling on! it has gone 2 in the morning and I got up for a drink, and felt the need to talk to someone. I knew I should have taken my sleeping tablet lol!

Night Night x

Thursday, 18 September 2008

The saga continues

Following the nasty argument, I decided that I was not going home after work on Monday. He had stumbled out of the house after only 2 hours sleep and he went to work.
I just could not stop crying about the hateful things he had said.

I went to work as I decided I needed my mind occupied. Work went well, and I went to my sister's straight after.

It was all planned, Liam was to stay at Grandads, Jamie was staying at his mates house and Marcus would be all alone!

Jamie rang me part way through the evening to say that things had kicked off at his mates house so he wasn't going to sleep there. My sister kindly said we would all pitch in to make room for him, so the poor homeless soul came and stayed with us. We all had chinese and watched Eastenders!!
I felt terrible then at what I was doing to my children. I asked Jamie if he wanted us to go home but he was adamant we would see this through!

Tuesday dawned and I had not heard a single word from him so I was a bit gutted that he wasn't begging me to go home, but I knew he would be beside himself wondering where I was and what I was doing.
Tuesday evening I had college so I went home and got ready, he came home while I was straightening my hair. I never spke to him. When I got back from college he was in bed. So I chilled out with Jamie for half an hour then climbed into bed. Well I did pay for the bed, so I was going to get in it!
I had made up my mind about a few things and had left him a note asking why he had done all these things, and if he wanted me out of the house I would accept £8,000. This I feel was more than fair and affordable for him, and it is enough for me to rent a place.
When I looked, he had screwed the note up and flung it in the bin! Typical.

I would not make his packed lunch, or run his bath, or cook his meals. I refused to sit in the same room as him so things were ticking away nicely.

Now watch this space!

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Now What did I Do Wrong?

This is like the good old days when we were first living together!
He would cause a row on the Saturday night so he could feel sorry for himself and then piss off to pub Sunday all day.
I should have seen this coming really. Maybe I did if I will be honest.

We both went to the pub at lunchtime, he asked me if I fancied a couple of pints, and I said are you sure you want me there? This was because in the row he caused on the Saturday, he said he never gets time to chill out away from me.

But he assures me that since he has asked me then I am welcome to go with him.

We walked to the pub and I chatted most of the way there til I realised I was only getting one word answers, and then I kept quiet.
We get to the pub, and meet one of his alcoholic mates,who we sit and chat to in the beer garden.
I was getting the distinct feeling of not being wanted so I went back inside the pub with my drink and I read my book. Marcus then comes in and sits with me, but hardly says a word. Again I get the feeling I am not wanted. So I tell him I am going for a wander round town.

I am gone about an hour and a half, when I got back to him he had moved across the road to the bowls club. I had more people to chat to here and was quite relaxed til I noticed his lordship was pissed!
I booked a taxi for 45 minutes time for 4.30pm and asked him if he was coming with me. Well the taxi arrived and he refused to come home, I just said please yourself, I will see you later. The only thing is I didn't know just how late that later was to be.
1.30 am he gets home and does his usual thing of being too pissed to let himself in with the number keypad we have on our door. So he starts to shout and swear abusive things so I go down and let him in.
He could hardly stand up, he carries on being abusive and I just get into bed.
He is saying wicked things, and spoiling for a fight, but I can cope with it when he says he dont love me, who the fuck would?, I can cope with being told I am fat and ugly, but when he tells me that I am that fat he can only fuck me from behind, enough was enough and I smacked him in the mouth!
He threatened to call the police on me because this isnt the first time I have cracked him one. I had promised myself and him I would never do it again, but I cant help it, he is so hurtful and spiteful.

He then gets menacing and smacks me in the eye to see how I like it and spits in my face. He then yells his usual verbal diarrhoea at me about how he pays more into the house than I do so when we split he should get more out.

The thing he forgets is when he first moved in with us he never gave us a penny, I kept him for 8 months, now he has just over 9k in his bank account, when he moved in he only had £300.
Yes I know he works hard, and I only work part time, but I still have a home to run, and 3 kids (including him) to look after.

I am sitting here trying to work out why I love someone who does this to me, and I think if I am honest I dont love him at all. I just like the financial security, and all the nice things he does to our home and garden. But I really dont think I can put myself through this bullshit again, he made me so ill last time and I am not going to allow him to do it again.

I know I shouldn't have smacked him in the mouth, and I don't know why I cant control that. He turns me into something I am not! I am sitting in in floods of tears not knowing, who I am, where I belong, or what the fuck I am going to do!

I cant believe I am contemplating taking all my sleeping tablets, I feel so worthless. Maybe they will all be better off without me. I have let my boys down by bringing this man into their lives, they dont deserve half the shit he throws at them, he makes their young lives a misery.

Maybe he will decide to leave, cos I sure aint gonna make things easy for him from now on!

Friday, 12 September 2008

In Pain

It is nearly 3am and I can't sleep!
I only took half a sleeping pill as I am trying to cut down, unfortunately I have been awake since 1am which is usually what happens when I only take half.

To top it all I have a bloody toothache! The annoying part is I am between dental plans!
I cancelled my existing one as I had found a better deal, but I didn't realise you couldn't claim for the first month! Bugger!
I am not sure I can cope with the pain for a whole month! The pain seems to be coming from under my back gold tooth!
I have plenty of strong pain killers and will swill with salt water and see how we go!

How sad am I? I have started my christmas present shopping already! Well there is nothing like being prepared!
I just hate christmas, it is all a load of bollocks! It has lost it's true meaning, not that I am religious at all but I feel it is just a commercial thing these days! The kids weren't even back to school from their summer holidays when Tesco got in christmas cards and selection boxes!
And we are only just celebrating New Year when they get the Easter eggs in!

Give us a break!

Thursday, 11 September 2008

On The Up!

Bloody Hell!
I am feeling really good!
I started back at work on Monday and it went so well I went back for 2 shifts on Tuesday!
I hadn't forgotten how to do my job, and infact I felt I had more patience the the elder folk, who can be especially demanding.
On tuesday I did an outpatient clinic, the one in the morning was for the gasterenteroligist, (looking up the back passage), and the afternoon clinic was the other side of the coin, in obs and gynae clinic.
I really enjoyed both clinics, but had to rush to my first night at college to start my diploma in indian head massage.
That was a bit daunting as it is quite an intensive course but I am sure it will be worth it in the long run!

I am on the discharge lounge this afternoon, this is where the ward send a patient who is going home today to us in the lounge where they wait for their transport home. They get to watch tv, drink tea & coffee, and have a meal at meal times.

My job is to take a wheelchair and go up to the wards and collect the patients and take them to the lounge, putting in, and collecting prescriptions on route.
It keeps you fit!
To drop!

Thursday, 4 September 2008

My Premonition

I finally plucked up the courage to go into work and book in a few shifts on the bank.
My first day back is on Monday, that is going to be a shock to the old system!

8am start!
Oh dear, how will I get out of bed in time?

It is only a 5 hour shift but already I feel knackered!
Well I am sure I will just fine and am kind of looking forward to it.
Today I am feeling so much better and have a slight twinge of regret at resigning as I really liked the medical assessment unit where I was before I became ill.

Oh well never regret the things you have done, only the things you haven't, like Robbie Williams!

My college uniform arrived in the post today, and it fits perfectly, the indian head massage oils turned up yesterday so I am all set to begin the course next Tuesday. Gosh it's all happening at once, I hope I don't feel over-whelmed by it all.

Last night I had a horrible nightmare where my ex-husband and 2 boys were killed in a car crash, it was so real and I have felt awful all day, I even had to ring him in Korea where he is working to make sure he was ok, and as I dialled his mobile number, I knew that it wasn't going to connect, even though it did the previous 3 times I called him.
The phone was silent then a tone like the flatline on a cardiac monitor, meaning death. I absolutely panicked then because I felt it was a premonition or omen.
I quickly pushed the redial button and was connected straight away!
He was just fine but I asked him to be extra careful anyway.

It is like our life is mapped out for us in some ways, and after watching final destination movie it made me think that whatever choices you make were always meant to be.
This is probably a load of crap as I am always telling my kids, that you are the master of your own destiny. Sometimes though it is put into the hands of someone else and they are not always as careful with it!
Anyways, that is enough of my ramblings today as I think my medication has been prescribed too high a dose but at least I feel reletively normal again so it aint all bad!

Monday, 1 September 2008

Definately Feeling Better

Today I am feeling quite a bit better!
I heard on the grapevine that my ward sister was telling my collegues I had left but under good terms, as I could have milked the system for another 3 months yet, but I handed in my notice before my sick note ran out, to save the ward money.
That really isnt my style, I am the one at work who buys in my weekly shop, things like talc, soap, deoderants, shapoo etc for patients all at my own expense because people get brought in to us in an emergency and they bring the clothes they are standing in and that is it!

I am still seeing my councillor every week but if this mood continues then I will cut down to once every 2 weeks.

I start my diploma in Indian Head Massage next week, and I am quite excited. I have had to order my uniform, and oils but still need to get a book or 2.

So if there is anyone out there who would like a practise run once I get started let me know!

It was Jamie's first day at college on his engineering course, and he had blue overalls on and looked really grown up. He is a good boy and I am so proud of him, I hope life deals him a good hand.

Well I had best get back to bed as I only got up for a wee and a drink but felt quite awake. I have just taken the other half of my sleeping pill so it should kick in soon.
night night x