Him indoors took me to bingo on Friday night and we won £90 between us. Saturday I was a bit bored as I couldn't be bothered to do much so while he toiled away making a new fence for the front garden, I went to Do It All to buy some fence paint and some feed and weed for the lawn!
Next I popped into Tesco for a joint of beef for Sunday and some veggies etc, then back home to bed for an hour with my book.
Him indoors came in about 8pm and by then I was really really bored as I had been resorting to America's got talent (that really is debatable though)!!
We ordered indian food and went to bed about half 9.
Sunday I had a bit more energy and after a surprising awakening from him indoors, I got up and put the dinner on and some washing. Then I played bingo online and won £100.
Him indoors was building another fence panel, so all was quiet on the ranch.
At half 11 he decides he is going to the pub, and I decide to drop him at the fenman and go into town for a wander.
While walking into town I ring my friend Jackie, to see if she is in the pub, but I find her at home in tears asking can I come round.
So shopping trip abandoned I am at her house within 6 minutes, she sees me and totally breaks down (I am known to have that effect) and I ask what on earth could be the matter. Well as usual she has had a disagreement with her other half, now they have only been together about 9 months, he was her first love and they split over some silly row over something and nothing, but both were stubborn and ended up apart for 20 years!
Well I normally have good advice, and she is a good girl she does listen. I managed to talk her into a reconciliation as he is flying off on Tuesday for a fortnights work in Gibraltar.
I then joined him indoors at the bowls club after cadging a lift with my ex husband when he dropped the boys off. Cheeky I know!
Him indoors was a good boy and we ordered a taxi home for 3.30pm so we could have that wonderful roast beef I had cooked.
I get a text from Jackie saying she was at Barney's house and they were going to have a good talk. I guess they sorted out their differences as I heard no more.
So all in all I feel relaxed and happy. He has even left me his bank card this morning telling me to pay for my car tax. Bless him!
I really think the anti-depressants are kicking in!
I feel like a fog is lifting. Now, I know I am not right but I am definately feeling better.
I slept really deeply last night, mind you I did have a large glass of wine washing down 2 tramadol and 2 co-codamol. But at least I slept!
I have been cutting down slightly on my alcohol consumption too. Wednesday I had 3 units, thurs I had 6 units and friday I had 5 units so normally it would have been a total of approx 30 units, instead it was 14!
No wonder I have withdrawal symptoms!!!
Him indoors is being reasonable. Not too nice but only the occasional snipe, so I can cope with that.
My 15 year old son Jamie, has gone and got his ear pierced! bless him. Well he has left school now and has his prom next week. All of a sudden he seems grown up. It is quite scary really.
His whole future is in front of him and the choices he makes in the next few months are important for him.
But I really dont mind what job he does as long as he gets one and can be reasonably happy, thats all most of us want.
I have been obtaining quotes for my car insurance which is due for renewal next month. So far the best quote is Sheila's wheels @ £162 my renewal quote with kwik fit was £210 so that is a result!
Today my mood is slightly elevated. Now that is a good sign!
I still feel like a bag of pooh, and look not much better, but I feel a slight shift in mood.
I am still having trouble sleeping, well staying asleep to be more accurate. But I suppose that dont matter too much as I don't have much of an agenda so can always take a nap when I need to.
My friend text me this morning telling me to stop taking those slimming pills, as according to The Sun newspaper they are suicide pills!
Well firstly I havent taken one since the 8th of May and secondly I keep telling her not to believe everything she reads from the newspaper!
Him indoors has had a personality transplant again and has gone back to being Mr nice concerned boyfriend, and being civil to the kids. So that is a bonus, well until he goes into one again!
My Mother said to me yesterday that because I have 2 sons, then any man I moved in with would eventually end up treating them with hostility. Now if I had daughters then it would be a completely different scenario! She is basing this on my step dad and how he treated my brother and us girls, could she be right?
She says she has seen it so many times in other families that have step parents.
Now I do value and respect my Mother's opinion an awful lot but it would be good to see if her opinion on this matter actually had some truth in it.
I guess that unless I live with a few dozen other men I wont find out!
Well off to see my shrink now and see what she makes of my crazy thoughts this week!
God my Brother is sooo funny, he really should be on the telly!
He works for a local fish merchants, usually delivering stuff to restaurants etc, well recently he had a small heart attack and has been serving in the shop instead.
I popped in to get a few things the other day and there was a hoity toity looking old bat in front of me, she asked if he had any larger loins of cod, and he said he would check out back, then he spotted me, well he was pleased to see me and said to make my selection but not to leave until we had managed a chat. The hoity toity tart pipes up with 'are you going to serve me young man, or are you going to stand there and chat all day?'
My bruv apologised and quickly darted out back to look for her cod. When he returned she inspected it and grunted her approval, she then asks loudly 'how long do you expect to have crabs for?' to which he replied 'until the anti-biotics kick in'
The hoity toity tart didnt bat an eyelash, while I fell on the floor!!
My God, my mother is obsessed with her pussy!, No I mean totally obsessed! Today I went round to pick her up so we could go into town for some retail therapy and lunch, and there on her kitchen wall was a collection of photo's of her pussy!
I mean I wouldn't mind if it was any thing to look at but it is big, fat and hairy! There really should be a law against it!
I know she thinks more of her pussy than she does her 4 kids because when I asked why she hadn't got a photo of me up on the wall she said I was the wrong colour and didnt match the decor!!! The mind boggles!
Anyway I left the house in disgust as her pussy tucked into his whiskas!
I just cant shake this black cloud hanging over me. When do these pills start to kick in? I want to be high as a kite and as frisky as a frog!
All I want to do is sleep in the day, and then I lay awake all night waiting for morning, even if I fore-go the daytime nap I still cant sleep at night. It's doing my nut in.
Him indoors has stopped nagging me and has now started nagging the kids. Poor fuckers, ok they probably ask for it but he really does go over the top!
Ok take last night for example, I had gone to bed early (4pm) and at 10pm him indoors gets up to pee, he starts to yell at the oldest boy because the dogs were howling and he hadn't dealt with them. He then goes down and lets the dogs out and starts yelling that the back door is wide open and the passage doors are both unlocked. Ok so the kids made a slip up. It isnt that drastic. The back door opens up to a closed in passage way, and although if someone had tried the handle they would have gotten in, what were the chances?
So he came back to bed ranting and raving and I asked him nicely to please stop, he was quite nasty with his response.
Then when I got up this morning he had left me a note saying he knows I am not well but I wont get better if I mix booze and tablets, so if I cant give up booze then I should stop taking the tablets, and He said he had left the back door wide open and the passage way unlocked, then he put not nice hay?
Well firstly I would like to know when he did his medical training to be able to advise me about my medication? And secondly who was he refering to when he put 'not nice hay?'
Oh bugger the ironing, I just took one look at it and my legs bowed. So I went to bed instead. I had a lovely nap. 3 hours later I realised that him indoors was due home and I didnt want to get caught in the act!
The twat was early! oh well I had 5 injections in my mouth to remove the old bridge and knowing his fear of dentists, when he looked pissed off at the fact I had obviously just rolled out of bed, I went into graphic detail of my trip to the butchers (dentist) and he soon shut his trap as he went a rather dull grey colour!
It's official, I am depressed! I even got a sick note and pills to prove it! one month off it states, oh dear, what on earth will I do for a whole month? Chill out! I have to see a shrink next Wednesday and specifically asked for a man and ended up with some posh sounding woman ringing me today to arrange an appointment with her. I dont like her already! Mind you I dont like many people at the moment. Hey Ho.
Him indoors never ceases to amaze me, just when I think it really is all over between us, he starts to be nice. A nice meal out Saturday, Chocolates and wine on Sunday, a nice note this morning saying he has noticed I havent been right lately and hopes I feel better soon. Then a text this morning simply saying, I Love You.
Oh I am sure if he carries this on I will feel better in no time!
I have been to the dentist today as I wanted my bridge renewed. Well the enamel fell off the other one so I looked like that guy from james bond with the metal teeth! Well I pay £24 a month dental plan and everytime I laugh I have to cover my mouth as I am really aware of it. The dentist informs me that as I have the top plan then that will cover the cost of doing the bridge, just not the Lab fees. Ok, I says not a problem, I still want to go ahead no matter what the cost. About £250 she informs me!! Is it made of bloody gold? For God's sake!!
Well what could I say? Go ahead, I want nice teeth!
Right I must tackle the ironing mountain that has taken over my utility room. So much for chilling out!
I have a nice home, a brand new car that him indoors bought me, I go out regularly, I have a good family, fantastic friends, even him indoors has been nice to me! No money worries, a good job, great kids, I holiday abroad twice a year, so what on earth is wrong with me?
I have been sinking lower and lower these last few days and now I don't even want to go to work.
I just cant face sick people or dead people when I feel like this.
I rang work in tears and my mum had to take over the call as I just was not making any sense.
I now have been referred by occupational health to a councillor, I have already spent an hour on the phone with one and have to see a councillor face to face in the next few days.
The councillor seems to think there is a lot of work to be done, which seems scary. They are having a field day over me as my parents split up when I was 7 with my mum going to visit her sister in Holland on a one way ticket my dad gave her, by the time she managed to get back into the country my dad had moved in his fancy piece and her illegitimate son, which it later turns out is my dad's son anyway!
My mum could not get her 4 kids back as the house was in my dad's name and he claimed my mum left the marital home etc. In those days it was much more difficult for her to win us back as the man was deemed the boss and possession is 9 tenths of the law apparently!
So is it true that some of how I am feeling could possibly be due to my childhood?
My dad used to beat my mum and although I would never stand for that in a relationship, I still have put up with controlling men all my life!
Now I would have deemed myself reasonably normal, I did say reasonably! But I suppose when I think back over the 39 years of my life I guess I have had to go through quite a lot.
Being abused by a family friend at the age of 6,
Losing a decent mother figure at the age of 7, and being replaced with a witch!
My first husband became obsessed with me, he bugged my telephone calls and had hidden cameras about the house. I would have to produce till receipts to prove I had been to Tesco instead of shagging in a lay-by! etc
And now I am with this controlling man, who has been married 5 times already, and has a drink problem!
What on earth am I doing?
The councillor says I will always be attracted to control freaks, it stems from my dad, controlling my mother allegedly! So now the plan is not to ditch my man but for me to change??? now this is going to be interesting!
I had a really nice night last night, some friends of ours called to see if we wanted to go for a meal, which was a nice country pub affair, and I even had dessert!
Him indoors was an absolute angel, and kept looking at me like he liked me! Should I be worried?
We came home and our friends joined us for a night-cap, mean while I showed them some of the serial mingers on http://www.adultwork.com/ who flaunt their wares for money! including people who live in our very own town! OMG
There is a menu on the right hand side that include things I have never heard of and the mind boggles as to whether this is deemed legal! Now I am not judging these men and women as I have seriously considered putting myself forward for the job (well at £120 per hour can you blame me?), but I would be mortified if a patient at work asked for 'extras' at the bedside!!
I am sure our friends left our house looking at people in our town completely differently, I know I certainly do since I discovered the website!
Him indoors still didn't want an arguement and we went to bed quite loved up, now there's a turn up for the books!
Well I was begining to worry as I had 2 little boy puppies left and no-one had rang for several days. Then as if a fairy waved her magic wand 2 fella's from London pitched up to view the babies.
The first one was a drop dead gorgeous George Michael look a like, the other a very much shorter version of the late Freddie Mercury.
They proceeded to coo over the little boys (Digger & Scooter) and then explained they had several other specimens to view including a sausage dog (????), I told them they were welcome to come back for another look, and over-heard one of them saying about having both puppies!
Come on you beauties!!
I mentioned that if they were interested in the pair I would happily knock £100 off as I would be over-joyed that they would be staying together.
They thanked me, and went off saying they would be in touch soon.
5 minutes later Freddie minced back up my garden path and asked could he take some pics as that would help them with their decision.
No problem love, you can have a picture of my puppies but I am not sure it will get you too far!
Then approximately 8 minutes later George sashayed up to the door clutching £100 saying they would be delighted to have both puppies and would be back monday morning to collect them.
What a result!
So me and him indoors that must be obeyed went to bingo with the deposit money and won £470.
My 12 year old has come home from school quite upset as he is in big trouble because he called a dark skinned individual a monkey, because she cracked him with a badminton racket, now when I was teasing him the other day he called me a cheeky monkey, I also have a tan having just come back from tenerife!
Does that make him a racist?
My God I hope not!
Surely it's just kids being kids? Do these authority figures take this political correctness too far?
Well bring the fuckers on, I am not a racist and have brought my children up to respect other people no matter where they come from! If they are going to punish him for name calling then I will have her punished for assault!
I mean I am a clean person, I bath twice a day, I dont allow shoes on in the house, I vaccum regularly, but it seems everyday the house is in need of attention!
Now, him indoors is always moaning that I only work 20 hours a week, does he not understand that I may clock into my day job for 20 hours a week, but what about the 600 hours a week I spend washing, ironing, vacuuming, changing bed linen, cooking, making packed lunches, cleaning the bathroom, washing the floors, feeding the dogs, doing the food shop, blar, blar, blar.
Would it be terribly wrong to employ a cleaner, I wonder?
Oh well I am not gonna die (just yet), been to see the doc who gave me a lecture about my alcohol intake, and he says my tiredness and lethargy are due to depression.
Well I do feel really low and irritable. But living with that twat dont help. It seems to me if he pissed off it would solve a few of my health issues as he is the reason I drink too much too!
I got to go back to see him next wednesday as he says I should take some time off work, and chill. Thats fine but I hate letting my collegues down. So I have a tummy bug at the moment so am not in work today or tomorrow, then off til next tuesday anyway. Maybe I will feel better by then. God I hope so.
I refused anti-depressants and a sick note, I am not going down that road unless I really have to!
The doctor was very thorough and even gave me a list of local councillors who may be able to help me.
I have my boys at home today as Jamie has no exams and Liam had to go back to the hospital for a check up this morning. Maybe we will do something constructive, like tidy their bedrooms!
Well I went back to work yesterday, and hated every minute!
I was dreading it anyway as I hate late shifts as they are boring, but stressful.
I am back again this morning all day! bollocks!
I really feel like crying, and I cant think of a good enough excuse why not to go!
I wonder if it is time for a career change?
Yesterday I had some poor old chap, well he was 65, with total dementia, following me around all the time, insisting on holding my hand, sometimes he would become aggressive, and he kept upsetting the other patients. I am sorry but if he was well enough to wander up and down, swearing etc interfering with other patients and visitors, why on earth was he in hospital. Swollen tongue and swollen lips apparently! I saw no evidence of this but what I do know was he came from a nursing home so maybe, just maybe they wanted a break! and who can blame them, as he exhausted me completely.
Poor old duffer.
And as for someones relatives who yelled at him, hey maybe oneday it will be you with dementia, enjoy!
Day 17 without sex! This isn't good, Well when I say without, what I actually mean is from him indoors, you don't honestly think I could go without altogether do you??
Well enough on that!
He is laying in his pit, after knocking my offer back this morning saying he wanted a lie in, and leave him alone. What on earth is his problem? I think I might finally be realising what it is! .......ME!!!
I just think he has gone off me, pure and simple!
Never mind. I'll cope!
Well the puppy situation is going backwards, as some silly moo, said she wanted a bitch and now she ain't got enough money for it, but I will give her some credit as she has pulled all the stops out to raise the money, what troubles me though is if she cant afford the dog in the first place, how is she going to afford the vet bills etc? So in a way it has been a blessing in disguise for the puppy! Not only that she was gonna call her Flo which sounds like No, so it would probably have needed a shrink before its 1st birthday! So I now have 2 boys and 1 girl.
Well all is not lost as someone is supposed to be coming from Ipswich today to look at the last little girl available, hopefully they will want her as whats not to love? The other couple came and looked at the little boy and took him with them, so I am down to 5 left running around which is a whole lot better than 8!
My youngest son was back at the hospital with a splinter type thing up his nail, which had gone sceptic. Poor soul, he had to have 2 injections in his thumb, and he screamed the place down, they asked him to return the following morning and they had another go, yet again he screamed the place down until the doctor flung his equipment across the cubicle exclaiming that he gave up! He even made a note in Liam's file to say he needed psychiatric help! The boy was in bloody pain FFS!!! Oh well what ever you think doctor, you are the professional! The best part is I sent Liam's Dad to A & E with him as I know what the boy is like, after taking him for blood tests on friday! The poor bugger dont get much luck, what with his boil like things on his bum, the blood in his wee etc.
On the friday the ex-husband didn't have anywhere to stay so him indoors said he could have the sofa! Very noble I thought, but with hindsight I think he is maybe hoping we might clear off together leaving him the house, dream on love! dream on!