Thing don't improve!

I am just going over things that happened between me and the tosser in doors last night. We had a big row, and all over money.
Get this, first off let me tell you I have been off work with depression for 3 months, and I had discussed with the tosser, about my job and we decided I would be better off being a bank nurse. This is when you decide when you want to work and only get paid for what you do, no sick pay and no holiday pay. Sounds like a crap deal? well not to me as it means no more nightshift, no more having to do a lateshift on a Saturday when I should be at the pub. No more working all over christmas, God it seems like heaven trust me! He seemed happy with this as I know he dont like me working horrible shifts.

I told him yesterday that I had written out my resignation, to which he replies, 'wouldn't you be better off seeing the doc first incase he gives you another month off'?
I tell him that I really need to get back to work because I am skint.

Later the same evening, he starts to have a tantrum, because if I am supposed to be so skint then how come I bought a garden bench for £40 this week, ok I am guilty as charged, but it was in the sale and a right bargain it was too!

Then he tells me that I am always in the wants, yep!
And he is sick of being the only one that does anything around here! Well of course the fairies wash and iron his clothes, and cook his meals and run his bath and makes his paked lunch, lays out his work clothes and see's to the bills and shopping etc etc

I am then told that I have to go back to work full time as our mortgage is rising by about £250 a month, thats only because we have changed the length of it to suit his retirement age.

I really dont know whether I am coming or going, the worse thing is I haven't told him I posted my resignation yesterday so from next Thursday I will be out of a permanent job!

Bollocks!

So Emotional!

It seems to have been a long week for me this week for some reason.
I have been feeling really low again and really tired.

It was the oldest boys 16th on Wednasday and he seemed to have a nice day, he met his friends at pizza hut for lunch, and then he played basket ball in the park.
At 3.30pm he met me at the college to see if he was going to be accepted onto his engineering course, and after a discussion with the tutor, he could see that Jamie wants this really bad so he told him he would see him monday morning, he winked at me and said to Jamie not to be late!
Well I burst into tears of relief, and then felt such a twat, but I have been so emotional all week, I cant help it.
Jamie was really good about it and didn't get embarrassed at all. How grown up he is getting.

I also enrolled in the Indian head massage course and re-wrote my resignation out for work.
So all in all a productive, if a little emotional, week!
Now off to see my shrink, then picking mad auntie up for some retail therapy at her expense!

Bloody Nuts!

Talk about random acts of kindness, well I think I was dished up one of those yesterday!

I was pottering about the kitchen, trying to look busy, Him indoors was actually outdoors laying bricks ( instead of me!), when my ex-husband rang me.

He asks how I am, OK I tell him,

what are you up to this weekend?, nothing special I reply.

He then says he is waiting for Jamie who has gone to pick his speakers up, right, I say.

I ask him did he want anything in particular, he then replies 'would you like some pistachio nuts?

Pistachio nuts? WTF???

No thankyou as I dont like all the mess from the shells!

Oh, I thought you liked pistachio nuts, he sounds disappointed.

I do, but they play my irritable bowel up and I dont like the mess, (of the shells!)but thanks for the kind thought! Oh but my Mad Aunt likes them!, I tells him.

'Oh great I will take some to her, he says excitedly.

Sad Twat!

Of all the things we could have discussed on the phone, like the crap maintenance payments, the fact that he owes nearly 10 grand on my credit card, all the debt chasing letters coming to my house, a house he has never lived in, addressed to him threatening court, bailiffs etc.

He didn't discuss if the boys need shoes or new uniform or college stuff.

Oh no, not my sensible Ex, he calls to see if I would like some pistachio nuts!

Whatever!

What a funny old day

What a crazy mixed up day I have had today!
Today is my younger son's 13th birthday, and the morning went well with pressie and card opening. Breakfast was planned for macdonalds, but first we had to go up to the school for 10am to pick eldest son's exam results.
Now we wasn't expecting miracles as we know that although very bright he is crap at school, but all he needed was 4 passes a C grade or above and his college place was sorted.

I dropped him off at the school and popped to see my Grandad for ten minutes while we waited for him to collect his envelope.
We called round to the school gates where he was waiting and he gets in the car. I asked him if he had opened them and he turns with a miserable face and nods. I look at the results and then I look at him, he is crying. Oh dear, they were quite bad. And he was gutted.

I asked if we should go straight home instead of Macdonalds, and we all agreed it would be best.
I told him to get all his exam results together and we would see if we could make 4 grade C's out of the mess in front of us. Well we still aint sure exactly as some of his qulification are not the same as others so now we have to wait for the college to get back to us with an appointment to see just what we have got.

Poor little sod feels like his whole life is in limbo. My heart aches for him. Ok I know it is his own fault for not working harder, but it really isnt the end of the world.

He is now sitting playing guitar hero on the x-box 360 that I bought Liam for his birthday and he wont answer anyones calls or texts.
The little 'un has gone to the cinema with his friend and want fajita's for tea. So easily pleased.

I am sitting here thanking whatever forces that be, for my 2 healthy son's and will give them both an extra special hug later and tell them they mean the world to me.

Spoilt?

I am stuck for my sons birthdays, 21st & 27th of August. I know I am leaving it a bit late but I have been racking my brains as to what to do that don't involve loads of money. Liam will be 13 and Jamie will be 16 so they are kind of special birthday landmarks.

They already own most of the gaming systems, a laptop each, tv and dvd player each, mobile phones, cd players, bicycles, skateboards, footballs, basket balls, etc etc etc!

They have given me a few ideas, like paintball party, pizza hut party, x-box 360 live subscription (?), xbox games, new bicycles (nothing wrong with the ones they have already!) etc etc, but all suggestions involve lots of money, and with their birthdays only 6 days apart that could prove expensive.

Oh bugger, what do I do?

Strange Mood.

I am feeling a bit mixed up today.
I went to see my shrink and she helped sort me out for this weeks crap running through my head. But later on I felt kinda strange. Can't explain it, just, strange.
I put a few plants in the front garden, and rigged up the new hose pipe, then I stained another garden chair. So I have been constructive, but it is almost like I dont feel like I am me!

I changed my name 2 weeks ago and felt thoroughly liberated! now I feel, well kind of deflated I suppose.
Maybe its the medication! I was expecting to feel euphoric with the double dose the GP prescribed but instead I feel just flat.

Maybe I need to get back to work after-all!
Well I have been thinking of taking an evening class at college and quite fancied indian head massage.
It will probably do me a world of good.

What A Pickle!

Why can't I stop crying?
I wrote out my resignation this morning and cried my heart out for nearly 20 minutes!

As it happens when I went to the Doc he said I certainly wasn't well enough to go back to work and has given me another 4 weeks off! So best I put that resignation on hold!

Oh Dear! I am getting more skinter (is that a word?) by the day!
I am getting about £200 - £300 less each month than I would if I was at work cos I get shift allowance and do a few extra shifts.

I now am having to pay £35 a week for my councillor who emotionally, I am not ready to give up yet, but financially, may be forced to!

I feel such a failure, it seems I take 2 steps forward then 1 step back.

Can someone kick me up the arse please?

Well I suppose the kids will enjoy having me about for the school hols, and Grandad will be buzzing cos I can go and play more poker with him, I guess it aint all bad!

Baby Bird

When I gave birth to my first son, I was in hospital opposite a nice woman called Tracy, She gave birth to a daughter the day after me, and when the nurses were on the ward they referred to me as Mummy Norman and her as Mummy Bird, them being our surnames.

Imagine my delight when they brought in Baby Norman, and yes you guessed it Baby Bird!

Well I was in a fit of giggles and insisted I wanted a Baby Bird and I wanted to be a Mummy Bird! It was sooo cute!

Well that was 16 years ago on the 27 & 28th August!

Imagine my absolute shock when taking my son's new girlfriend of 1 week home and she says my mum thinks she was in hospital with you when she had me! OH MY GOD! She is Baby Bird!

Unbelievable! but it is true! I burst into tears, as I have always kept a fond place in my heart for that Mummy and Baby Bird!

Now she might become my daughter in law and have my grandchildren! ok, ok they arent 16 yet but it could happen! How freaked out (in a nice way) am I!

Lost The Plot?

I have bottled it big time!
I have been emotional all day and cried at every silly thing!
It's not PMT as I am just over that.
I had nightmares all night about work and I rang up Occupational Health this morning in tears as I just knew I couldn't cope with these twilight shifts. My God, I am in bed by 9pm every evening and last night I was in bed by 8pm!

I rang my GP and he wants to see me tomorrow, I have rang work to tell them I have another week off as my GP promised me a certificate tomorrow!

I have made up my mind to quit my permanent job and just go onto the 'bank', this means I can work as much (or as little) as I want, when I want, so I feel better about that. I just have the job of telling the ward manager!

I know I am being silly but I just can't hack the crappy shifts. If only I could be a lady of leisure!
I have enjoyed it immensley these past 3 months. it has been heaven, apart from feeling shit from depression!

Oh well, I had better get writing that letter of resignation!

D Day is Looming!

I have to go back to work on Monday. I have mixed feelings about this. I started out being excited, then I got a bit nervous, now I think I am totally shitting a brick!

Will I remember how to do blood pressures, can I help someone to the commode without them falling, can I remember how to do an MRSA swab, oh goodness, I am making things worse.

I have been gone almost 3 months apart from 2 days which I hated every moment.

To make matters worse I am going back on a twilight shift (8pm til 1am) and that is an extremely busy shift, I will be put in the triage bay, which is where all new patients are put, I will be responsible for the first point of contact, doing there, BP, temp, resps, weight, testing their blood sugar etc etc, what if I mess up? These people are relying on me! Oh dear, what if someone dies, which is a regular occurance on MAU, I am going to have to lay out the deceased, and not have a total breakdown.

Am I strong enough?

Is mcDonalds hiring?

Out to Lunch

Yesterday I took my Mother into town for some retail therapy and a nice lunch, oh bless her!
She really is quite a card!

She is so funny at times and has several senior moments!
We both dislike people immensely and there are certain people we see in town who if possible we avoid like the plague!
Imagine how embarrassed we were to see an ex of my brothers who we never really liked much, avoiding us as much as we were avoiding her!
But she was more obvious than we were!

What wrong with us? Cheeky mare!

Oh Dear!

You can't keep all of the people happy all of the time!

I sent the ex-husband an email to tell him of my name change, and he seemed to be well pissed off! WTF???

I left him 5 years ago! He has a new woman all be-it in Singapore, but he is loved up. So why the long face over me giving up his name?

The mind boggles!

Me

I went to see my shrink yesterday, and the woman has been such a help. At first I thought £35 an hour was a lot to part with each week just to get stuff off your chest when you can do it for free on here, but she has done wonders for me.

She gave me 2 poems yesterday and I have to share this one as I cant stop thinking how much I relate to these words.


SOMEBODY ELSE

If I was not myself, I would be somebody else.
But actually I am somebody else.
I have been somebody else all my life.

It's no laughing matter going about the place
all the time being somebody else:
people mistake you; you mistake yourself.

Jackie Kay


I felt so strongly after I read it I decided to become myself once more and have now officially gone back to the name I was given to at birth. It is who I am, and who I want to be.

Miss Julie Frances Louisa Norman